I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
You Might Also Like
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.