SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
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How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
こいつ天才
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.