If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
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“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
*watches the world burn*
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…