“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
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NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
selfie game
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?