Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
You Might Also Like
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.