When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
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I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy