People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
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Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I’m about to risk it all
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.