If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
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My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
first you must answer his riddles
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired