[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
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You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”