Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
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I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT