[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
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“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
What flavor cupcake are these
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Facebook memories be like
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah