therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: π€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈ
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he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Me: *mouth full* When pizzaβs on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Yearβs is truly No Manβs Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Me: why arenβt you studying?
My kid: I didnβt see you coming.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and havenβt vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how longβs it been?
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Watermelon Boss!
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Loveβs gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now sheβs sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
How people watch movies when theyβre:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each otherβs dresses
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
me: yeah Iβm a writer Iβve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
are there any atheist mantises?
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?