me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
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Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*