Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
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My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Cannot stop laughing at this
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people