Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I only eat vegetarians.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.