warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
You Might Also Like
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”