I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
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My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet