Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
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My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…