This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
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yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Y’all know who you are.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?