Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
One of the best
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Same pineapple, same
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is