I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
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I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you