Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
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Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
If only
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger