Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
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WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time