13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
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[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
me before I type out affect or effect
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice