Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
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The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress