Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
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The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
being a writer on Twitter:
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
😅🤣😂
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!