The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
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CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
wow he looks just like him
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.