OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
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The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Lucky old June.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap