Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
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[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation