*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
You Might Also Like
Matt Goss
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?