wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
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You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.