I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
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Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Easy enough.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”