My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
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[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!