Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
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Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.