I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
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If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud