Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
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Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments