*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
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This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.