Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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Only $139.95! Act now!
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.