If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
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Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master