Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
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COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
asked my bf how work was today
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.