All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
😂😂
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.