God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
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Love is in the air fryer.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.