Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
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You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
This is a true ally.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁