Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
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If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
What about second breakfast?
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
If you know, you know 😂🚔
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.