a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
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Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
A family that plays together cheats.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY