If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
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i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.