Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
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Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.