The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
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[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Something Saturday.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza