There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
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Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.