Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
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Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats